Wrestling with Defeat

In 2020, when I broke up with my ex, I was so filled with energy and hope. I couldn't wait to meet the person who would finally see my value. I longed for the soul connection I'd always dreamed was possible, and upon saying goodbye to Taylor I thought doors were opening for me everywhere.

Well, it's been over two years now, and I'm disappointed. I've tried all of the apps. I've gone on dates. I've flirted with people I found attractive but I'm starting to sense that fate has dealt me a cruel hand. Now I'm working to simply accept that I may always be single. 

Because what I want isn't a real marriage, it's what I now realize is an idealized one. I want a romance with someone who I don't have to mother. I want an equal partnership with someone who will meet my effort in seeking to understand and look for the best in each other. I want someone who gives me forehead kisses in bed when I'm sick. I want someone to share excitement with about future travel plans. 

All I've seen of marriages is unpleasantness. My friends' marriages are fraught with issues that would turn me off from the institution completely. One is constantly bickering with her husband. Several have incredibly disappointing sex lives. No one seems very happy. And they're all bogged down with kids, or diets, or both. The more I examine my friends marriages, the more they seem bland at best, and exhausting at worst. Hard pass. 

If the type of marriage I want is not possible then I will stay single. I just have to figure out how to wrap my head around what that type of life looks like. 

Sigh, at the same time. Even though I value my independence, I wish I had someone's hand to hold. I want to bite someone's lip while making out, and have them respond in kind by pulling my hair. I want to make mulled wine with someone and sip it together in mugs while we snuggle up on the couch to watch a movie. 

I recognize no relationship comes without both the benefits and the drawbacks, but I am surprised I haven't been able to find someone whose drawbacks I can live with. Or rather someone who is actually interested in me, who has drawbacks I can live with. Now that I'm in my 30s. It seems like my chances are low. I can't say they're impossible but they don't seem high. Little by little, each day, I see my hopes of someday being a mother slip away from me like Marty McFly's family slowly vanishing from his photograph, in Back to the Future. 

It's been my dream for so long, it's hard to imagine what to replace it with. I simply assumed I would marry a wonderful man I met in college (or shortly after). We would have the big wedding, and then a few years later, we would have children. It's what all of my friends did but it simply hasn't worked for me. 

I don't have a helpful way to wrap this up. I'm just writing it because I'm wrestling with this confusion that comes with not finding success in this area. Every time I interact with someone who gives me a little inkling of hope for something more, I'm shot down again. J from December was the best kisser I'd ever encountered...but of course, he's just a fuckboy booty call. I blocked him. N was so much of what I'd hoped for, kind, intelligent, attractive, and...engaged. B is still so intriguing, but his texting was/is like a maze that leads to nothing, just wandering round and round with no purpose. 

Every time someone else comes along, they're either married, too young for me, or simply awful. 

It feels safer to give up. At this point, my life is just not going to look anything like what I imagined anyway, even if I were to find someone. So yes, as of right now, I'm throwing in the towel. I'm backing away with my hands in the air. Fictional men are the best I can do. I'm really trying to be satisfied with that.