The Real Me.

I've told myself I'll be honest here. This blog Is somewhat off the grid, so I feel a bit more comfortable being candid. It's going to be a bit different from the "View From My Window." This place is more internal; it's more for me. It's a place for me to explore my thoughts both high and low without fear of judgment from peers. 

I have no plans to share this blog widely with the public. Though perhaps I could be swayed to share with close friends. If you've somehow managed to stumble upon this, you might be wondering why I didn't just...idk...journal? You know...to keep it truly private? To that I say, I wanted to include photos and media, and I didn't want to create a completely separate website for it.

The real me, according to me, right now: a bundle of contradictions. Tidy on the outside, messy below the surface. Hardworking, but utterly lazy when given the opportunity. Eats healthy all week and then destroys my own progress with box wine, the cheapest frozen pizza and most expensive pints of ice cream over the weekend. 

This year was supposed to be the year of true progress. I was going to be doing yoga every day, and lose weight to kick my plantar fasciitis to the curb. While I have lost about 10 lbs since January 1...my plantar fasciitis lingers on despite the custom insoles, steroids, months of physical therapy, and prayers for healing. 12 year old me would have never expected to cry over the inability to go for a run but perhaps my tears are proof that people are capable of change.

I can't tell you how frustrating it is to go for a walk and see others run swiftly past me knowing if my feet would just give me permission, I could one day be zipping past them. Running in the 2010's was my medicine. It was free, simple, and cathartic. It was the easiest way for me to shed excess weight or simply stay in a healthy range. 

I suppose I can't complain too much because I do have a bicycle, and I enjoy riding it. Plus it's nice to have an alternative form of transportation...but it's not the same as running. So, I'm doing everything I can to find a solution. I've hired a personal trainer. 

She suggested I take "before" pictures for encouragement as we go. She suggested I take measurements:

• Waist at belly button: 41"
• Waist at widest area: 46"
• Hips: 46"
• Chest: 40.5"
• Right Thigh in middle: 24.5"
• Right Thigh at widest area: 28"
• Right Upper Arm in middle: 14"

She suggested I limit how frequently I check my weight, but as a starting point I went ahead and documented it: 187lbs. 

Let me be clear, my desire to "get fit" is two-fold.

1.  Ability: I seriously want to run again. I want to do Muay Thai if I desire. I want to go hiking without fear that I'll be limping at the end. I don't want to be limited to cycling and yoga. I want to compete in races and just have fun. 
2. Aesthetics: I'd be lying if I said I my appearance didn't mean anything to me. I'd be lying if I said I was satisfied with how I looked. I feel constantly uncomfortable in my own skin. I know, I know...it's unpopular to feel this way. I'm living in a time of "body-positivity." I'm supposed to love myself no matter the size of my clothing or the cellulite on my thighs. I support the individuals that embrace themselves in this way. And I don't want to imply that I am less valuable at a certain shape or size. I simply want to be my best, and I usually feel this way when I am taking steps to improve my body. 

Ok. That's going to have to be it for now. I plan to check in periodically to keep me on-it with my progress. 

Angela