Woes: A Train of Thought Post
It has been a very long time since I've written anything here, and I'm only doing it now to avoid my responsibilities.
My fitness goals from last August were derailed. I made great progress for 8 weeks straight, and then I worked the polls and got sick with...something, probably COVID-19 (though I never tested positive), and I spent almost three months, unable to do much more than shower, eat, and sleep with little windows of mild improvement followed by weeks of coughing and misery. So most of my fitness progress disappeared.
That has been discouraging. Luckily, I'm much better now and starting to try to exercise again but it's challenging to get the momentum I need to be back where I was before the winter from hell (as I'm now calling it).
To make matters worse, I am back in the dating pool. I don't really mind being single, nor do I dislike being in a healthy relationship but the transitionary period between these two states of being is pure misery. Like most people, I would prefer to be in love with someone...alas! this requires effort and vulnerability, two things I despise.
I went on a date last week with a seemingly nice person, and had to suffer through a whole evening with him touching my shoulder and leaning into my face, knowing full well that I would not want to go out with him again and then narrowly dodging a dreaded goodbye-kiss in the back of the Upland parking lot. The worst part is even though I know logically that I didn't owe this man anything, I couldn't help but feel guilty. He was clearly excited and interested in me, and I hate feeling like I hurt his feelings by rejecting him.
I guess I'm just all too familiar with the sensation, though rejection doesn't sting as much as it used to. At this point, I'm not as afraid of rejection as I am simply discouraged at putting effort forth and coming up empty. It's exhausting to text a guy, call a guy, meet up with a guy, opening myself up, being hopeful for something to click, only to have to go back to square one again. I sometimes wonder if I missed my opportunity to find the right person when I was younger and more open-minded, more malleable. Perhaps my own personal preferences have grown too rigid and now no one will be able to satisfy? That scares me. But at the same time, I look back on previous relationships and see that I contorted my personality to strange uncomfortable angles in order to fit into shape that I thought would make the relationship work.
I'm not afraid of changing and letting go of some pieces of me to make room for a nourishing relationship, I'd just like to make sure that I can still recognize myself when I stare into the mirror. The problem I'm now facing is that I can't seem to find anyone who would remotely stand a chance of matching me. Almost every swipe I make is to the left, and the few that I do make to the right usually end without me sending a message. They just feel wrong somehow. Maybe it would be good to write out a list of qualities I hope for, perhaps by simply writing them they will spontaneously manifest into the individual I wish I'd meet.
I'm sure there are more nuanced things. but I don't really feel like I'm looking for a needle in a haystack so I'm confused on why this is so hard. I'm an adult woman. I know who I am. I know what I'm looking for. Indiana is just a desert for decent men these days.
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The very private internet journal of a midwestern woman.